I don’t like wondering…I just want wonderful

Confession time.

Really, I don’t want to write these words, but I cannot stand being as distracted as I am.

I met someone.

Someone I really connected with. I mean really connected with.

Everything happened quickly, but nothing happened at all. It was just a connection.

We didn’t even date, technically. Just fleeting texts and phone conversations. He isn’t actually available. Integrity told me to keep my hands folded in my lap, but I remained friendly and conversational. Friendly turned kind of romantic. We started to develop feelings for each other. And then the world stopped.

I’m embarrassed. He isn’t someone I can pursue, but I want to. I’m not willing to break integrity, it’s not worth it. All that said, everything points to it being a successful pairing, if I can just be patient. But  there are no guarantees. It can be over just as quickly as it started. And I’m left wondering how things will really turn out.

But I just want wonderful.

I’m not used to not getting what I want when it comes to romance. Not sure how I was blessed with relatively good luck in that department, but there you have it. When I want something, or someone, I get.

Overall, things in life are good. The last six months have shown me that I don’t need a committed relationship to be happy, to be truly me. I’ve been more creative and happy the last six months than any long period of time that I can recall in the last 10 years. I feel like I’m making progress towards my dreams, making the intangible very real. It’s a scary and exciting time. As life should well be.

But I wouldn’t mind having a partner to share these experiences with. Someone who can keep up with me. Someone who can push me further. Someone who can be interesting and relaxed at the same time.

I’m an amazing human being, if I do say so myself. Even with my crazy, I make up for it in strides. I’m worth pursuing, loving, and sharing life with. I know this. I’m beautiful, talented, giving, creative, adventurous, and interesting. I don’t want to be sad for something I may have lost that I never really had in the first place. I want to go on being amazing and satisfied.

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