on being single

It’s kind of a weird place to be, for me at least. You see, I’ve been in one committed relationship or another since I was 18. When closing one door, I would open another, always staying afloat on the affections of another. Always with someone, always attached to a “we”.

Most of my teenage years were the same. I hopped from boyfriend to boyfriend for a time, settling on a more long-term arrangement my junior and senior years. I still hopped after that, they were just more long distance jumps than before. I even went so far as to get married and divorced and dated all over again.

Now it’s just me. And my cats. We should never forget my precious furry babies!

I am really enjoying this time to myself, getting to be me, focus on my interests, and resolve things that have gone unresolved for too long. I feel more comfortable in my own skin, with who I am, and what I want to do with myself. I cannot recall a time when I’ve felt so much creative energy flowing through me. Like a mad crafter, I’ve been making this and that, so inebriated with the process that I forget to document it for the world to share in the smorgasbord of my twisted mind and inept hands! I indulge regularly in fiction, yoga, flailing dance session, and the occasional fly-by makeover. I’m able to be more spontaneous with my friends and yet really enjoy the personal space. Almost everyone I have crossed paths with has said I’m either glowing or more relaxed or more in tune with spirit.

A couple of people have asked me how the dating scene is going, but I haven’t been on the scene and I’ve only been on one date. So ridiculously, I get a little sad when I’m asked that question, like maybe I’m unwanted or not attractive enough or too quirky for any one man to handle. But then I think that’s a stupid collection of thoughts…. Right?

Really, this time to myself has been good and I’m not ready for it to end. Some friends started a “Man List” for me to write out all the qualities in a mate that I want. A place for me to write down my do’s and don’ts, something to keep it real for me when I am finally ready to get into dating. It’s already manifested a potential special someone, but there was one major barrier. So of course I added that to the list!

I guess what is strangest to me is the pull to date, the expectation that I should be putting myself out there, fishing for the next catch. That’s what a woman my age is expected to do, right?

I learned from my first 10 years of supposed adulthood that societal expectations and my needs/desires don’t mix very well. I have my own worldview, my own ideas of how I want to spend my time and build my life, and those ideas are most certainly not in line with the status quo.

And still, I’m at the point where I miss having a partner. Someone to explore with, to share dreams with. Someone to build something with, to make dreams manifest with. So even though I feel like I’m in a good and balanced place in my life, I feel ready to share my special brand of crazy with someone who is ready to share their own special brand of crazy.

The problem with being “ready” is I’m impatient. Which is why I suck at dating. I want what I want when I want it. And I don’t like waiting. Not. One. Bit.

 

 

Advertisements

3 comments

  1. I was like you. I was never single, except for the few months between my first husband and the pilot, and the pilot and my current husband. I tried to take a break so I could get to know myself, but was pulled in by the persistence of both of them, each time I tried. However, I think those breaks did help me find myself, and by the time I met Hank I was a whole person-not somebody else’s other half.

    I also made a “man list.” And Hank is nothing on it, except handsome.

    Also, you are everything you know to be true about yourself 😉

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s